The sound of heavy rain tapping on the window woke you up and even as the storm died down you couldn’t return to your slumber.  The city below was asleep, the dense storm obscuring the typically neon cityscape.  You should’ve been asleep too, yet for some reason you lay awake- feeling almost guilty as you lay in the arms of the man you loved.  You suffered in silence, not wanting to wake him because of your own silly insecurities.  A single tear rolled down your cheek.  You had no reason to feel this way, honestly.  Your relationship with Rashid was like a dream.  He treated you right, showed you the world, and made you feel like you genuinely mattered for the first time in your life.  The two of you had a lot of fun together, and also got into a lot of trouble.  He was more than just your lover; he was your best friend- you even dared to believe he may be your soulmate.  It was nothing on his part that caused these feelings, but rather your own thoughts of inadequacy accumulated from years of previous failed relationships.

While you laid there with Rashid, your heart was heavy with fear.  Your mind was filled with hypothetical scenarios of how badly you could fuck this up.  You tried to hold back the tears as intrusive thoughts reminded you of all the broken ties that you blamed yourself over.  You couldn’t help but wonder if one day he would grow tired of you too.  What if he suddenly realized he was way out of your league?  After all he was gorgeous, charming, and wealthy and you were…. You.  You were honest with him about your past, and he assured you time and time again that he would never let you hurt again.  He was so sincere, but still you feared that could change at any moment.  What if eventually he’d grow tired of constantly validating you?  It was unfair not to trust him after all he’d done for you, and that only made you more upset at yourself. 

As the storm picked up outside, you felt more distressed.  The tears that were welling up in your eyes refused to be contained any longer and began to stream down your cheeks.  You sat up, planning on making your way to the bathroom to sit this little episode out.  Just as you went to scoot yourself off the mattress a hand grabbed yours, startling you.

Rashid softly whispered your name, barely audible over the sounds of the rain.  You didn’t say a word and dared not to move, fearing you’d give yourself away.

“Is everything okay?” he asked you.  You simply nodded, forgetting that the room was dark, not even the light of the moon illuminating it tonight.

He freed your hand, but you didn’t have the strength to leave anymore.  Sheets rustled softly as he sat himself up.  Two arms wrapped around you and brought you near. 

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” you whispered, your voice wavering as you were still trying desperately to hold back the waterworks.

“It’s okay,” he said.  His hands rubbed your back in a comforting manner as he held you close.  Once more you felt guilty, this time finally letting it all out.

“I’m so sorry,” you sniveled after a moment.  You felt so selfish that you woke him up for this.

“Don’t be,” he said calmly.  “What’s wrong?”

You dried your eyes with the back of your hand, feeling silly about the reason for this episode.

“You still love me, right?” you asked.

“Of course, I do.”

“Why?” you blurted out.  As soon as it came out you felt awful for putting him on the spot.

“Why not?” he replied in his usual jokey tone, obviously trying to lighten the mood.  You didn’t really know how to respond to him, so you didn’t say a word.  A few moments later, Rashid broke the silence.

“For real though? Why don’t I love you?  I mean, I love you because you’re not afraid to be yourself.  I love how you can say exactly what you feel, how sincere you are.  I love that you continue fighting even when you’re hurt and feel like giving up.  I love that you still give people a chance, even though I know it’s hard for you.  I love the way you can light up a room with your smile- even if it’s over a dick joke.  I love your hair, your eyes, and every inch of your body and how perfect it feels next to mine.  I love being fortunate enough to know you and call you mine.”

You began to cry again, although not out of sorrow this time.  The pain in your chest eased up and you felt more at peace.  You truly didn’t deserve Rashid and how kind he was to you, but God, you were grateful that he was there.

“That’s so gay, I love you,” you said, smiling.

“I mean it.  I know I can’t take away the pain,” he started, wiping the leftover tears from your eyes. “But I’ll be here for you despite it all.  You are worthy of so much love and I will always be here to make sure you know that.”

Soon, you felt his lips upon yours, his facial hair scratching your face as he gently kissed you.  Butterflies filled your stomach and you giggled as you kissed him back.

“Better?” he asked, giving you a squeeze.

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

The both of you settled back down in the bed, he wrapped his arms around you once more.  Instead of feeling guilty, now you felt safe, cozy, and most of all loved.  Now that your mind was off that, you were suddenly really sleepy, quickly dozing off to the quiet pitter-patter of the rain.