“Don’t eat that.”

Dude pulled the weekly circular out of LD’s grasp and tossed it into the basket of the cart.  Before the little shit could even think of crying, he pulled a bag of lollipops off the nearest Halloween display, ripped it open, and passed one to the kid.  He pocketed a few more before returning the bag to the shelf and continuing into the store.  LD’s little hand let go of the wrapper as he shoved the candy in his mouth.  It fluttered down to land on the tiled supermarket floor.  With a sigh, Dude brought the buggy to a halt and bent down to pick it up.

“Littering’s a crime, you know,” he told the boy as he tucked the trash into his pocket.  “You got fine money?  ‘Cause I don’t think you can handle jail…”

He may have been called Little Dude, but Dude could really see the Mistress in this kid when he looked up at him like he knew he was talking out of his ass.  Almost made this whole thing suck less.  Almost. 

“Who are we kidding?  She’d bail your delinquent ass out, too.”

Dude shook his head as he looked back down at the list in his hand.

Laundromat, Pharmacy, Grocery Store…

Nope, wrong side.  He turned it around. 

Beer, Juice, Champ Food, Beef, Pasta…  

He skimmed over the list and planned the best route with his mental map of the store.  It pained him to already have a mental map of the damn place.  How the mighty had fallen.  He thought the Bitch had him neutered; thank God that he never knocked her up.  At least this one got off her ass and made money.  And her bullshit errands came with rewards too.  Pavlov would be proud.

Speaking of making money, he checked his watch.  Shit, already after four.  He needed to get through here and get his ass home with these groceries before her.  He pushed the cart straight to the back coolers and parked it so he could check out the meager selection of overpriced ground beef.  They just couldn’t beat Meat World’s prices, but that was all the way on the other side of town.  Oh well, none of this was on his dime.

“Well, aren’t you a cutie!”  Dude turned around at the exclamation, catching some old biddy fawning over his son.  The kid was a chick magnet.  Once she made the connection that he was with Dude, her amusement turned to snark.  “Oh, is Daddy babysitting today?”

“Either this or pay child support,” he said without missing a beat and dropped a tube of beef in the cart.  The woman’s face contorted in disgust at his callous remark and she retreated.  Good riddance.  Babysitting?  Please.  This was his full-time job; complete with cushy benefits like blowjobs and health insurance.  Didn’t even get fired for showing up hungover either.  Who needed a 401k when you got the milk for free?  

As he scratched meat off his list and pushed the buggy forward, LD pulled the sucker out of his mouth and held it up towards Dude.  “Daddy?” he said, making Dude grimace. 

“No, sir.  That’s a bad word.  We don’t say that shit,” he quickly corrected while thinking ‘…You can thank your mother for ruining that one.’  When the slobbery candy remained pointed at him, Dude manually lowered LD’s arm.  “No thanks, buddy.  This already looks bad enough.  I can’t be seen taking candy from a baby.”

LD reluctantly put the sucker back in his mouth.  He was a good kid, for the most part.  This apple fell to the complete opposite side of the orchard with this one.  If Dude were in that seat, he would’ve used that lady’s awful perm as target practice. 

He continued through the aisles, filling the cart will the crap from the Mistress’s list and random shit that LD pointed at.  When he made it back to dairy, he felt a buzzing on his ass that he was pretty positive wasn’t one of her toys this time.  He reached into his back pocket and whipped out his phone to see who was bothering him.  Well, speak of the succubus.  He flipped it open and pressed it to his ear.

“Yes, dearest?” he answered in his most saccharine voice.

“Hey, I’m leaving the shop,” she said.  “Do I need to grab anything on my way home?”

“No, I finally made it to the store just now.”

“Just now?”

“Yeah.  You would not believe the day we’ve had,” he said, balancing the phone on his shoulder as he opened the cooler to grab a carton of milk.  How fortunate that they actually had cow’s milk in stock today.  LD’s picky ass refused to eat his cereal when it was soaked in goat milk.

“Sure I’ll hear about it over dinner.  Are we still having spaghetti tonight?”

“That’s the plan,” he replied.  At least, he hoped that was still the plan.  He barely felt like boiling noodles after running around all day.  If she wanted a five-course meal, she could go fuck herself.

“Perfect.  See you when I get home.”

Dude tucked the phone back into his pocket.  She sounded like she was in a good mood.  She’d be in a great mood if she came home to a cold beer and warm plate of spaghetti after busting her ass all day.