Dude stepped out of the trailer bright and semi-early one sunny Arizona Tuesday morning.  He pulled out his trusty map of Paradise along with a marker and sticky note, ready to map out his errands for the day.

“Let’s see…” he started, eyes skimming the map.  “Need to swing by the DMV.  Figure I should renew my license before it expires this time.”  He found the location of the DMV and circled it in red.  “Halloween’s coming up.  Wonder if we’ll have trick-or-treaters this year?  Might as well stock up on razor blades and candy for the kiddos, just in case!  If I remember correctly, there’s a new candy shop in the mall…”  A big red circle was placed over Paradise mall.  “And the Mistress asked me to pick up her prescription while I’m out today.”  After circling the pharmacy, he shoved the map into his pocket, rubbed Champ between the ears, and was on his merry way.

The pharmacy was closest to him, so he figured he’d get that knocked out of the way first.  He strolled towards Main Street.  The pleasant autumn breeze was a welcome reprieve from the oppressive desert heat that he’d endured the last few months.  He kept to himself as he walked across town, trying not to draw too much attention from any authorities or hostile hate groups.  Luck was on his side today, and he wound up outside Paradise Drug before long.  Well, what used to be Paradise Drug.  One of those big chains had bought them out and now it was— you know what, that wasn’t important.  Wouldn't want to bore you with politics.

The door welcomed Dude with a chime when he pushed it open.  He walked straight to the back and took his place in line.  There were about four people ahead of him, ranging from the elderly to fussy newborns cradled in their exasperated mother’s arms.  He waited patiently, reading the notices on the windows that Health Pipes were no longer sold in this location and warnings of several recalls.  He eavesdropped on those being helped.  He stared back at children that stared at him.  Eventually, it was his turn in line.

“Next!”

Dude walked up to the counter.

“Hi there,” he said.  “Here to pick up a prescription for…”  He blanked on the woman’s name.  Shit…  What was her name?  Ah, hell.  She was popular enough in this town.  Most of the men knew of her.  It was worth a shot.  “The Mistress?”

The pharmacist, a middle-aged gentleman with a toupee and glasses as thick as Crackola bottles, grinned to himself and nodded.  He typed her information onto the computer.

“Date of birth?”

Dude pulled a slip of paper out of his pocket and read the date aloud.  The pharmacist entered that as well.

“Alright, I see she has one prescription ready.  That’ll be $2,790 and 47 cents.”

Dude knit his brows.  “That can’t be right.  I’m pretty sure it was supposed to be about $24.”

“Yes, that would be the typical copay.  Unfortunately, it looks like her insurance denied coverage.  If she wants it, she’ll have to pay the out-of-pocket cost.”

Almost $2800?  He didn’t have that kind of money.  She might have it on this fancy HSA card that she sent him out with, but if she were here, she’d be pitching a fit over the price while ranting about how insurance is a fucking scam and how big pharma just sells us remedies for problems they created.  He sighed and held his head.  It figured that he could never run errands without it becoming some massive hassle.

“Hey, buddy!  You gonna fork over the cash or hold this line up all day?” some belligerent patron from behind him called out.

Like hell he was forking up the cash… And like hell he was going back to that woman empty handed.  She was bad enough without these pills.  He feared to imagine her without.  He jumped over the counter to grab the little bag with her name on it himself.

“Hey!” the pharmacist exclaimed, pressing a button under the register.  “You can’t do that!”

Dude then produced a shotgun out of his coat, cocked it, and blew the pharmacist’s head clean off.  The customers waiting in line began to scream, with some of them pointing their own weapons at him.  He dodged a few bullets and managed to mow down everyone who was in shooting distance.  At the sound of the commotion, other pharmacists rushed in from the back… Typical that there were so many of them back there hiding with only one person working up front with a line out the door.  Tucking his shotgun back into his coat, he decided to use the baseball bat he found conveniently tucked behind the counter so he could save ammo.  He swung it without bias, bashing in or knocking off staff’s heads left and right.  Weaving through the maze of shelves, he located where the orders were stored.  He stared at them, realizing he needed to know her last name.  Goddammit.  He backtracked towards the POS computer, hoping it still had her information pulled up.  Thankfully for him, it did.  He had to knock out one more pharmacist on his way, but he made it back towards the orders, found her letter, then flipped through the paper bags until he found one with her government name.  Hearing sirens outside, he knew he had to make a run for it.  He stuffed the medication in his coat, grabbed a few health kits because he could, and rushed out the back.

The wail of sirens grew louder as Dude left out the emergency back exit of the pharmacy.  He tucked the bat away for safekeeping.  He didn’t need to parade around waving that bloody evidence for everyone to see.  Leaning against the brick exterior of the building, he pulled his map out.

“Aaaand, done,” he said to himself as he scratched one item off his to-do list.  “The ol’ girl better appreciate the effort I went through to make sure she had her happy pills…”