It was early afternoon on a Friday.  Dante had just settled in for his closing shift.  The jackass that worked the morning shift didn’t do a damn thing, so his night was going to be busy with inventory, stocking, and taking care of the seemingly endless stream of asshole customers.

He sighed as he heard the bell above the door ring while he was still putting the last customer’s cash in the drawer.  However, the man who walked through the door was not another customer, but his best friend Randal.

“Hey, man,” Dante said.  “I take it you’re done for the day?”

“Yep, I just finished up,” the other man said.  “And I don’t have work tomorrow.  Can you believe it?  A Friday night and a Saturday off?  And it’s payday too.  Man, I almost don’t know what to do with myself.”

“Yeah, yeah.  Rub it in,” Dante mumbled as he watched Randal walk back to the coolers.  “You know, I was supposed to be off tomorrow too, but the other guy has a wake to attend so I have to cover for him.”

“A wake?  Who died?”

“I dunno.  His great aunt or something.”

“Why can’t he just show up and then close the store down for a few minutes to go, like a responsible employee?” asked Randal as he made his way back up to the front, stopping at the shelves to grab something before walking up to the register.

“Very funny.”

Dante looked at the pile of snacks on the counter in front of him that Randal sat down when he stepped behind the counter.  The Gatorade, bag of chips, and pack of gum were customary for Randal to purchase.  It was the Red Bull and Slim Jim that made him pause.  He’d seen that combination many times before, when shifts were changing and Liv needed him to ring up her purchases.  A sly smirk crossed his face.

“So, what are you doing with your rare Friday night?” asked Dante.

“Hitching a ride to the mall with Liv,” he replied.  “She’s gonna grab me when she comes by to pick up her check.”

“Oh yeah?” Dante said as he noticed Randal glance out the window.  “This to hold her over until your romantic candlelight dinner afterwards?”

“Oh, fuck you,” said Randal.  “It’s not what you think.  You know she’s all into music and shit.  She mentioned she was going to check out the new releases, and I’ve been needing to hit up the comic book shop.  No use in groveling to you so I can borrow your car when she’s already making the trip.  Her car’s a lot nicer too.  The air actually works.”

Dante smiled.  It was amusing to him that Randal was so insistent that there was nothing more going on between him and Liv when the guy was clearly smitten with her.  He may have showed it a little differently than a normal, well-adjusted human being, but it was clear as day to his best friend.

“You two have just been spending a lot more time together is all I’m saying.”

“Here we go again.”  Randal rolled his eyes as he passed over the cash for his snacks.  “Always trying to assign a deeper meaning to things.”

A scoff rose from Dante.

“You’re the one who looks too deep into things!  Fucking contractors on the Death Star!”

“There’s a difference between trying to read between the lines to further my enjoyment of media and trying to make mountains out of molehills in relation to relationships, or lack thereof.”

“This is getting old, Randal.  Will you at least admit the two of you are friends with benefits?  Because you don’t usually hang out with women like this. Not even ones you fuck.”

“Women don’t usually like to listen to me talk about Star Wars or know more of the X-Men than Wolverine.  And if they do, they’re never nearly as hot.”

Dante shook his head at his friend’s shallow explanation.

“I hope for her sake that you indulge her as well.”

“Do you know how many times I’ve sat through that new Type O Negative tape?  I think I carry my own weight here.”

“What do you guys even do?”

“We fuck,” Randal said, so matter-of-factly.  “And frequently, I might add.”

“Well, no shit, you fuck,” Dante replied.  “Like, what kind of amazing, mind-blowing sex are you having with her that is so much different than the rest?  What on earth could she possibly be doing in the bedroom that is so special that it has Randal Graves of all men buying her snacks, listening to her music, and going on dates with her?  I know it’s not because she has an opinion on who shot first.”

“I already told you, man.  It’s not a fucking date,” said Randal.  “She’s giving me a ride to the mall.  But if you must know…”  He paused to chuckle.  “What don’t we do?”

“Something tells me missionary in the dark.”

“Only if we’re drunk.”

“So?” Dante said.  “What do you do?”

“Has it been so long since you got laid that you need to live vicariously through my fucked-up sex stories?”

“Absolutely not,” Dante assured him.  “I just figured that you would like to be given the platform to brag about all the crazy sex you have, while simultaneously sating my curiosity.”  Dante paused, then smiled.  “Unless Liv’s turning you into a man who doesn’t kiss and tell.”

“Appealing to my ego, what a low blow,” Randal laughed as he leaned against the counter.  “I dunno if you’re ready for this, man.”

“I’m sure I can handle it.”

“Well, if you insist.  Now, where do I start?”  He made a point to drag it out, rubbing his chin as he acted like he was thinking hard.  “Oh yeah, how about this?  Last weekend, she gave me a rimjob.”

Dante’s smug face twisted to one of disgust and disbelief.  He looked around the store, then leaned forward, lowering his voice.

“A rimjob?” he asked.  “She ate your ass?”

“She ate my ass.”

As Randal looked self-satisfied and triumphant, Dante grew increasingly bewildered.

“You let her?” he asked, raising his voice but still keeping it low.  “How the hell did that even happen?”

“What?  She was hanging at the video store last week when I was placing an order with the distributor.  After she got a look at the list, we kind of got on the subject of sex stuff we always wanted to try.”

“And she said she wanted to give someone a rimjob?”

“I said I wanted to get one.”

“You wanted a girl to lick your asshole?”

“Oh, come the fuck on,” Randal said.  “Don’t say that like you never considered it.”

“Because I haven’t!”

“Bullshit.”

“I don’t want anyone playing around with my ass!”

“Why?  Scared you might like it?”

“That’s not…”  Dante pinched the bridge of his nose.  “Forget it.  I’m done discussing this with you.  I have to work with this girl!  I don’t want to imagine her tongue in your asshole.”

Shaking his head, Randal grabbed a magazine off the rack to flip through while he waited for Liv.

“Like… how do you even kiss her after a thing like that?” Dante said not even a full minute later, apparently not as ready to drop the subject as he claimed.

“What the fuck do you mean ‘how do I kiss her?’” scoffed Randal.  “If you ever felt anything like it, you’d think it was the least you can do.  Shit’s incredible, man.”

“I don’t know.  It just sounds gross to me.”

“It’s not that gross.  We showered together beforehand.  Besides, I trust my ass more than I trust most people.  My ass is probably cleaner than your hands.”

“Somehow I doubt that.”

Randal shrugged, taking a sip of his Gatorade before flipping the page of his magazine.

“You know, I bet if you got your prostate milked once in a while, you’d be in a lot better mood,” he said without looking away from the page.

“Excuse me?” Dante asked.  “If I what?”

“If you got your prostate milked.”

“What the hell does that even mean?”

“Dude, it’s what I imagine the clit feels like for chicks,” said Randal as he pulled a piece of gum out of the pack and shoved it in his mouth.  “I don’t think I’ve ever cum so hard in my life.  Think, like… the first ever time you realized you could cum.  That good.  Almost feels like you’re going to pee yourself.”

“Yeah, because pissing myself sounds real appealing,” said Dante.  “Are you saying she can reach your prostate with her tongue?  That’s even worse than I thought.”

“No, no.  You gotta massage it,” he said, holding two fingers up in the air.  “With like, fingers… Or a toy…  Gotta be careful with those though.  My cousin Walter, he got an electric toothbrush stuck up there.  Buzzed the whole time it was inside his ass.  Fuckin’ Energizer, man.  They really do keep going and going.  Shat himself when they finally got it out.”

“Oh, my God!” Dante exclaimed.  “Now you’re telling me she has her fingers in your ass?”

“Grow up.”

“Look, anal isn’t my thing.  I’m just not comfortable with the idea, okay?” said Dante, dismissing it.  “I don’t want anyone putting anything up my ass.  It just doesn’t seem natural.”

“Yeah, it’s real fucking gay to have a chick toy with your asshole.  You’re so repressed.”

“What?” sputtered Dante.  “I never said it was gay!”

“It was implied.  ‘It’s not natural’ is the textbook argument for that kind of thing.  Who cares if it’s natural?  We’re not trying to be fruitful and multiply; we’re trying to cum.”

“Well, that wasn’t the intent.”

About this time, a customer walked in.  The conversation was dropped while Dante dealt with the transaction, but the moment the store was empty again, he let out a heavy sigh.

“I feel like I’d fart,” Dante confessed.

Randal made a face and looked over at Dante.

“That your way of asking me to cover the register so you can go shit?” he asked.  “Hurry up, because I’m leaving the moment Liv gets here.”

“No, I mean…  If someone was…”  He gestured behind himself.  “You know…  Back there playing around.  Like, if it feels as good as you say, what are the odds I’d get too relaxed and just let one slip?  If I was with a girl as sweet as Liv and I ripped ass in her face, I’d be mortified.”

Randal stopped chewing his gum, and it nearly fell out of his mouth.  His expression was blank as he stared at Dante.  He then raised a brow and shook his head in disbelief before looking back down at the magazine.

“What?” asked Dante.  The muted reaction from Randal was beginning to make him feel silly about revealing this fear.

“Nothing,” Randal replied.

“You don’t ever think about that?”

“If it happens, it happens.  She knew the risk involved when she agreed to it.  Unlike you, I don’t let my hangups dictate my actions.”

“Do you do anything for her in return?” asked Dante.  “Besides zoning out when she plays her weirdo music and buying her the occasional snack.  This is sounding kind of one-sided.”

“I eat her pussy all the time.  Down there so often, I’m surprised I haven’t grown gills.”

“That seems… underwhelming compared to what she does for you.”

“I mean, I guess there’s kinks of hers I indulge her in.  Helps her get off.”

“Do I wanna know?”

“Probably not.”  After a beat, Randal glanced up from his magazine with a smirk on his face.  “Want me to tell you anyway?”

Dante threw his hands up.

“Fine.  Sure.  It’ll save me the guesswork of picturing the worst possible scenario.”

“Golden showers.”

“Gold—” Dante stopped mid-word when he realized what Randal meant.  “Oh, Christ, Randal!  No!  Don’t tell me that!”

“What?” Randal said, laughing.  “She loves it!”

“What the fuck!?”

“Pair that with a little bit of degradation.  Maybe pull her hair, smack her around a bit.  Oh yeah, wetter than Niagara Falls.”

Dante held his face, trying to shake the image from his brain.  Try as he may, he was going to have the thought of his best friend defiling his coworker for the remainder of the night.

“Is that what working in porn does to you?” he said after he raised his head.  “Make it so you can’t just enjoy nice, vanilla sex?”

“Nah.  Between us, I just think her folks were too hard on her or something.”

“Obviously.  There’s got to be some kind of masochistic reasoning behind this.  I can’t imagine being anything but disgusted by getting pissed on by someone; let alone get off on it.”

“Hey, you don’t have to have a miserable upbringing to enjoy it.  Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.”

“Easy for you to say.  You’re not the one…”  Dante waved his hand around, trying to find a more eloquent way to put it.  “On the receiving end.”

Randal laughed, shaking his head again.  It took Dante a moment to process this reaction, but then his eyes widened.

“Don’t tell me—”

“Hey, you know me,” Randal said a shrug.  “I’ll try anything twice.”

“At this point, I don’t even know how I’m surprised.”  Dante took a moment to rub his temples.  “Don’t get me wrong, I am disgusted— appalled that the two of you are taking turns on each other like that…  But I have to know how?  How does this even come up?  How do you go about it?”

“You’re one sick guy, Dante,” chuckled Randal, causing Dante to suck his teeth.  “Well, we were hanging out on the couch at her place.  You know, idly diddling each other while watching some porno together.”

“How cute.”

“Out of the blue, she asked me if I’d ever been pissed on.”

Dante’s brows furrowed.  “What, was that part of what you were watching?”

“Not at all.  Listen, I don’t know what goes on in that pretty little head of hers, nor have I got the sack to ask.  All I know is that somehow the dots connected and before I knew it, I’m lying naked on my back in the floor of her tub, she’s on her knees straddling me, and a golden stream of her liquid love is drizzling onto my chest. Like warm rain on a summer day.”

Dante was speechless as Randal explained the situation complete with hand gestures that somehow made the explanation more visceral.  All he could do was stare directly at his friend with his mouth agape after he finished.  He just couldn’t wrap his brain around the scenario.  He didn’t really want to.

“Christ…” he eventually said.

“Kinda chubbing up thinking about it, to be honest,” Randal said as he adjusted himself.

“You liked it?”

“Wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever done to get laid.  Not by a long shot.”

A long sigh left Dante and he ran a hand through his hair.

“I wish you wouldn’t have told me that.”

“Need I remind you that you asked— nay, begged for a glimpse into my sex life?”

“I know, I just didn’t expect… any of this,” Dante said with a shake of his head.  “I guess I imagined like, bondage or roleplaying Star Wars or something.  I don’t know.  I’ll never be able to look at her the same way.”

“Oh, get over it.  We both know you quit looking at her like a respectable woman the moment you found out about her part-time gig instead of rightfully revering her, you big prude.”

“I did not!” he said.  “And I’m not a prude!”

“If you say so,” said Randal.  “Maybe one day you’ll meet someone who will broaden your sexual horizons instead of cheating on you.”

There wasn’t a chance for Dante to retort before the door to the store opened and the two men caught a glimpse of a purple ponytail.

“And speak of the she-devil,” Randal muttered as his grin grew wide.

“Hey, Dante,” Liv said when she walked up to the register.  “Randal.”

“Hey, Olivia,” Dante replied, trying to push everything he’d just learned about her to the back of his mind.  “Boss left your check in the office.”

“Cool.” 

She turned and walked to the back of the store.  Dante noticed how Randal’s eyes lingered on her until she disappeared into the back room.

“Welp,” Randal said.  He slipped the magazine back onto the rack and scooped up the snacks he purchased for Liv earlier to walk around to the front of the counter to wait for her.  “You working Sunday?”

“Nah, I’m off,” replied Dante.  “I think Liv’s up here Sunday, actually.”

“Oh, hell yeah.  Maybe I’ll make a weekend of it and catch a ride up here with her,” he laughed. 

“What about me?” she said, hearing the tail end of their conversation when she returned.

“You work Sunday?” asked Dante as Randal walked around from behind the counter to meet her.

“Yeah, I close,” said Liv.  “You open?”

“Nah, I’m off.”

“Yeah, but do you intend to keep it that way?” she teased.

“I’m not answering a single call, so don’t let the boy wonder keep you up all night, because I’m not covering.”

Liv laughed aloud.

“Well, on that note…” she said, turning to smack Randal’s ass.  “Ready to roll?”

“Yep,” said Randal, throwing his arm over her shoulder and walking her to the door.  He glanced towards Dante and winked before stepping out behind her.

Dante couldn’t help himself.  Out of curiosity, he peeked out the window as the two walked to Liv’s car.  He admired how her eyes lit up and she threw her arms around Randal when he offered her the snacks that he’d gotten for her.  It warmed his heart.  As gross as the two could be, they were still kind of sweet together.