It was a slow day at the Quick Stop.  Tuesdays usually were.  Without the usual rush of customers, Randal had spent the majority of his morning engaging in mental warfare with his employee, Elias.  After ragging on the younger man about how shitty the live action Transformers sequel was and how the third one won’t be any better, then getting into a heated debate over how Randal thinks that “Christian Rock” is an oxymoron since rock and roll is inherently satanic, Randal found himself bored… and hungry.  It was creeping towards lunchtime.  While he could have just grabbed anything off the shelves, he was really craving a sandwich from the deli downtown, but didn’t particularly feel like leaving the store to stand around in that line.  He especially didn’t want to walk to the deli in the rain.

As he got up and walked to the back, an idea struck him.  Liv wasn’t working anymore.  After her last contract ended, she hadn’t picked up a new one.  Between her savings and Randal’s now-stable income, they had enough between them to give her a chance to unwind and prepare for the incoming months.  He liked to imagine she was just sitting around the house, waiting for him to come home and fuck her, regardless of how much truth there was to it. 

It occurred to Randal as he thought about her that Elias had never met his girlfriend.  He didn’t know how the fuck the two managed to avoid each other for the three years since Randal hooked up with her again, but he figured it was time to end that streak, if only for the 10 minutes of enjoyment he’d get out of their initial reaction to one another.

Once he stepped into the bathroom, Randal whipped out his phone to call Liv.  When it started ringing, he balanced his phone between his ear and his shoulder as he unzipped his pants, waiting for her to pick up.

“Hello?” he eventually heard Liv’s voice on the other end.

“Yello,” he said.

“Sup, asshole,” she replied.  He then heard the sound of her sucking her teeth.  “… Are you pissing?”

“Yeah, multitasking.  I’m a busy man,” he said.  “Want me to save some for you?”

“Fuck off.  What do you want, Randal?”

“What are you up to?”

“Trying to put together this damn crib…”

“By yourself?” he asked.  A twinge of genuine concern could be heard in his voice.

“I got bored and tired of looking at the box,” she said, then sighed.  “Looks like I’ll probably have to wait for you though.  I’m not getting anywhere.  It’s kind of heavy.”

“Yeah, let’s wait for the muscle to get home, She Hulk,” said Randal.  “But if you’re so bored, how much do you love me?”

“Oh, Jesus.  No,” she quickly responded.  “I’m not fighting some mouth-breathers over a comic again for you, so you can forget it.  It’s like they have a personal vendetta towards pregnant women.”

“Getting laid and reading comics are mutually exclusive, duh.  Obviously, you’re a fake fan and a harlot, both punishable by stoning in the public square,” he teased.  “But forget that, it’s not even Wednesday.  Just wondering if you’d swing by with a sandwich since you’ve got so much free time now.”

“‘Free time.’  Christ, you say that like I don’t have a million things to do before the baby gets here.”

Randal didn’t respond, unable to think of a witty retort that wouldn’t rile her up in the wrong way.  After a second of silence, only interrupted by the sound of him zipping his pants, she sighed.

“Just a sandwich?” she asked, causing him to hum in response.  “What’s in it for me?”

Randal smirked, knowing she couldn’t resist.  “C’mon, Liv.  You can’t just do it out of love for the father of your child?”

“You think I owe you because you’re a sperm donor?”

“What if I said I just wanna see you?”

“I’d know you’re bullshitting me.”                                     

“Well, I’m not, really,” he said.  “I’m bored too, and starving…  And you have the car, so name your price.”

The line went silent for a minute, and Randal had to glance at his phone to make sure they didn’t hang up on each other.

“I’ll build the crib,” he offered in a sing-song voice.

“You’re building the crib anyway, jackass.  Or you’ll be sleeping on the floor in the nursey and Ranger will sleep with me,” she said, causing a wide grin to spread across his face.

“So, we did settle on Ranger?”

He hoped his smugness radiated over the phone.  He’d been trying to sway her for weeks, but shot down every Star Wars name he suggested.  While he was surprised that she’d accept something more obscure, he’d take what he could get.

“Trying to warm myself up to it.  It’s… more subtle than the others.”

“Yeah, Ranger is way more subtle than Lucas or Han.”

“Shut up.  Those are too… on the nose.  I like Lucas as a middle name though.  I just refuse to call him Luke.”

“We could always go with the other half.  Call him ‘Ass.’”

Her snort of amusement had him chuckling to himself at his own joke.

“Fine.  Does Dante want anything?” she asked, and he pumped his fist in triumph that he won her over.

“Believe it or not, Dante’s not even here today…”

“Really?” she said in disbelief.

“Not yet, anyway.  He’s closing.  But let me check on this other asshole,” Randal said.  He walked out of the back and caught Elias stocking the Gatorades.  He pulled the phone away from him and held the bottom.  “Hey bible boy, your mommy pack you lunch today?”

Elias scoffed and blushed as he folded his arms.  “You know she doesn’t do that anymore, Randal.”

“Whatever.  Did you want a sandwich from the deli?”

Elias eased his posture, looking at Randal with suspicion.  After a few seconds of silence, Randal rolled his eyes.

“Yes or no, man.  Answer the question.”

He tried to gauge if the older man was teasing him or not, until Randal began counting down.

“5… 4… 3…”

“Yes.”

Randal removed his hand from the bottom of the phone.  “Yeah, just get two Italians…  You know how I like it, right?”

“Yep.  Anything else, your highness?” Liv asked.

“Nah, we got chips and drinks,” he said.  “I’ll pay you back when you get here.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she said.  “I took money from your wallet before you left so I could buy groceries.  Don’t think you’re getting off easy though.  I’ll have to come up with a way for you to pay me back.”

Randal laughed, shaking his head.  “Whatever.  See you in a minute.”

“Bye, babe.”

“Later.  Drive safe, or something.”

“Aw, you do care.”

Randal laughed as the call ended and he shoved his phone into his pocket.

“Is someone bringing you food, Randal?” asked Elias.

“Oh yeah,” he said.  “Someone very important that I want you to meet.”

“Really?  Who is it?”

“Jesus, you’ll see when they get here, man,” he said.  “Isn’t patience a virtue or something?”

Elias went right back to stocking the cooler, and Randal walked back to the register to resume the magazine he was reading

About thirty minutes later, the door opened and the bell above it chimed.  Randal looked up from his magazine at the door, seeing Liv as she walked in.  He met her on the other side of the counter, grinning from ear to ear.

“You’re going to hell for making me run errands for you in this state,” she said as she handed him the bag.  “Just so you know.”

“If that’s the reason I’m sent to hell, I’m getting off light.”

Randal took it from her, peeked inside, then gave her a smooch as he sat it on the counter.

“Food’s here, man,” he called out to Elias, who had been busying himself by zoning the shelves.  He walked up to the front where Liv and Randal stood. 

Randal knew the guy had never seen a woman like Liv before.  The purple hair, tattoos, piercings, not to mention her being about seven months pregnant.  She looked hot today, especially the fact that she threw one of his flannels on over her maternity top and her tits looked like they were about to fall out.  If Elias wasn’t around, he’d probably hoist her up on the counter and chow down before lunch, just like old times.  He watched Elias’s reaction carefully, wondering which part of her would catch his attention.  He couldn’t hide how his eyes settled on her chest for a split second before looking away, obviously ashamed.

“Who’s this?” the younger man timidly asked.

“I want you to meet my woman,” said Randal, hooking an arm around her waist and pulling her in.  “Liv, this is Elias.  Elias, the lovely Miss Olivia, formerly known as Liv N Dead.”

“Oh, God.”  Liv covered her face and groaned at the sound of her old stage name.

“You know,” Randal said.  “She used to work here with me and Mr. Dante.”

“Pfft, like ten years ago,” Liv added.

Randal waved her off.

“Listen, that doesn’t matter.  She’s proof I wasn’t bullshitting when I said you can pick up hot chicks in here.”

As Liv rolled her eyes, Elias’s jaw-dropped as he glanced at her.  He pointed at her, then at Randal, prompting Randal to nod his head.  With a big smile, he stuck his hand out.

“Wow, Randal never told me he had a family!” he exclaimed as he shook her hand.  “Nice to meet you, Mrs. Graves!”

Liv laughed, shaking her head.

“Please, just call me Liv,” she told him.  “Randal and I aren’t married.”

Elias’s face contorted to one of confusion as he drew his hand back.  He looked at her, then Randal, then back to her and his eyes settled on her mid-section, trying to make sense of what he was seeing.

“… But you’re pregnant?”

Randal couldn’t be more thrilled.  Elias had walked right into it.  Hook, line, and sinker.

“Oh yeah.  Miss Liv’s gonna be a mommy,” Randal said, proudly placing a hand on Liv’s bump and rubbing before she brushed his hand away.

“Ohhh…  I get it.”  A sly smile broke on Elias’s face.  “It was a gift from God, wasn’t it?”

“I…”  She looked over at Randal, then back to Elias.  With a nervous laugh, she replied, “Well, aren’t all babies?”

“Christ, Elias.  Do you ever hear yourself?” asked Randal.  He gestured at Liv.  “Does she look like a virgin to you?”

Elias stammered, clearly not wanting to say anything to offend the lady, but Liv only crossed her arms and rolled her eyes.

“No,” Randal answered for him.  “I’m not letting your God take the credit for my hard work here.  She doesn’t have the Messiah in there.  Just a whole lot of my baby batter marinating in her.”

“Randal!”  She swatted at him, but he managed to dodge it.

Elias shook his head.  His face paled.  “But… You said you’re not married…”

“Nope,” Randal said.  He grabbed Liv’s wrist, holding her hand up so Elias could see she wasn’t wearing a wedding band.  “C’mon.  We both know I’m not into that ‘one ring to rule them all’ shit.”

“That means you had…”  His voice dropped to a hushed whisper.  “… Premarital sex?”

Liv had been trying very hard to keep her composure and not laugh at the younger man, but it proved difficult.  She pulled her hand away from Randal to cover her mouth.  Though she wanted to not act like as big of an asshole as her counterpart, she always did find Randal’s antics amusing.

“A whooole lot of it.  This little bundle of joy is the proud product of endless nights of raunchy, debaucherous, sloppy, unprotected, out-of-wedlock baby-making,” Randal said.  “Raw-dogging.  Bareback.  Creampies.  Whatever you call it; we’ve done it.”

Elias crinkled his nose.  “Ew, Randal!  That’s gross.”

“Oh, grow the fuck up.  It’s the circle of life.  Even you were a little cumshot once,” he said, reaching forward to ruffle Elias’s hair.  His hand quickly got knocked away.  “You know, Mr. Dante and Becky didn’t play by the good book either.  I didn’t hear you getting all judgey with them.”

“But they’re married.”

“Correction- they’re married now.  Shotgun wedding, my young Padawan.  They weren’t married when it happened.  Besides, what does it matter?  Honestly, enlighten us.  What makes a baby born from a married couple any more special than one who isn’t?”

Elias was quiet for a moment.  He glanced away and scratched the back of his neck.

“I… Well, um… s-sex, as you know…  It’s God’s gift to man and wife.”

“And?  Doesn’t really answer my question.  Both babies are made the same way.”

“It’s…” Elias hesitated.  “It’s just different, Randal.”

“No, it’s not.  A ring doesn’t make it any more sacred nor any less explicit.  Newsflash, all those fucking Little House on the Prairie trad wife moms at your church are getting bent over and pumped full of hot loads just like anyone else.”

“Oh, my God!” Liv sputtered, shoving her boyfriend.  “Randal!”

“What?  Our baby is just supposed to be labeled a bastard because we don’t wanna fork over like 28 bucks to the government to change your last name and have a big party in a church to tell the world we fuck each other exclusively?  Fuck that.”

Elias held the edge of the counter with one hand, and his head with the other.

“I’m going to be sick…”

“Stop it, Randal,” Liv said, taking a turn for the serious.  “You’re upsetting him.”

“Pfft, he’ll be fine.  He’s almost 25.  He had to learn the birds and the bees sometime.  I knew all that shit by 12,” Randal said, grabbing the bag off the counter and pulling out the sandwich inside.  He looked to Liv with a smirk.  “Did you request extra mayo?  You know I like mine how I like—”

Before Randal could finish his dirty thought, Elias retched.  Liv squeaked and stepped back as it splashed onto the tile, and Randal staggered back with her.

“Jee-sus, Elias!  What’d the hell you do that for?  I’m eating here!” Randal scoffed, slapping his still-wrapped sandwich back down on the counter. 

“I don’t feel so good.”

“You’re not getting out of cleaning that up, asshole.  Go grab the mop before someone steps in it.”

With a nod, Elias walked to the back.  Randal chuckled as he walked away, only to get punched in the arm by Liv.

“Ow.”

“Why’d you have to go in on him like that?” she said to him in a tone that was both yelling and a whisper.

He shrugged.  “Didn’t like his ruse.  I felt compelled to defend your honor.”

Liv rolled her eyes.  “Yeah, I’m sure that’s what it was.  Chivalry.”

“Oh, don’t act like you weren’t enjoying yourself over there.  I heard you snickering along,” he said, poking her in the ribs.  “Probably got you all horned up too, ya pervert.  Wasn’t it this kinda talk that got you in this position in the first place?”

Heat rose to her cheeks and she shook her head.  “Shut up.”

Randal rubbed the counter beside the register, smirking as he cut eyes over at Liv.

“Shame I didn’t even get to tell him that the little guy was likely conceived on this very counter.”

“Save that one for a rainy day,” she said.  “Like maybe when he’s leaning against it eating in a few minutes.”

His face lit up, and he wagged a finger at Liv.

“Ooh, diabolical.  I knew I kept you around for a reason.”

Liv shrugged.  “So, what time do I have to pick you up later?”

“Not sticking around?  It’d save you a trip.”

“Sorry, if I stick around any longer, you’ll have to clean up mine too.”

“Noted.  Well, Dante should be coming to cover me at like three.”

“Three it is.  I’ll see you then.”

“Later.”  Randal leaned down to kiss her again.  “Thanks for lunch.”

“Don’t forget you owe me,” she reminded him.

“Yeah, yeah.  Love you too.”